Edward Found Love!

The journey of this blog began in heartache.  This all started when the catalyst of my heartache told me that I should write a blog called "Edward Searches for Love".

I did find love while on this journey.  Love has never really been lost so finding it was all about understanding the nature of love.  The Greeks parsed love into different types e.g.  Eros, Philia, Ludus, Pragma, Philautia and Agape.  But my thinking is that there really is only one energy that we call love and the Greek definitions refer to how we apply that energy within the context of the various relationships that we have.  Agape or unconditional love encompasses what all the sages throughout time have been trying to teach us.  We must learn to love as little children do.  We must learn to love unconditionally.

A theme I keep coming back to in my search for understanding is the quote by Delmar Swartz:

“Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love.”   ―  Last and Lost Poems

The reason love is the most difficult and dangerous form of Courage is because to truly love someone, you must love them unconditionally.  This is what my experience has shown me.  Love is an energy that we use to shape and form our lives.  This energy has no agenda other than to bind us together.  The absolute only way to truly love someone is to love them unconditionally.  If you put conditions on your love for someone, I would strongly encourage you to reexamine your feelings because that is not love.  (disclaimer: if someone becomes abusive - verbally or physically, you must protect yourself but; even if you determine that you can never see this person again, if the love was real then you will continue to love that person from a distance.)

"Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love."  It takes a lot of courage to love someone unconditionally because there is no guarantee that they will love you back.  Rejection is one of the most painful experiences and can have a lasting effect on all of your relationships throughout the rest of your life.  If you have been hurt in a relationship, it is critical that you examine the energy that binds you to that person.  If it is truly love energy then understand that it flows unconditionally and you cannot stop it from flowing, regardless of what the other person chooses for their life.

So the love that I found is within me.  It flows from my heart and without conditions.  The experience of the last year has forced me to reexamine all of my past relationships and the energy that binds me to the people that have come into my life.  What I have determined is that regardless of where the relationship has progressed to at this point in time, the energy that binds us together is love and nothing within the relationship can sever that energy tie.  Once you see the light inside another person, it cannot be unseen.  You may separate yourself physically from that person but the energetic connection can never be undone.

If you fall in love with someone, you cannot fall out of love.  The energy just doesn't work that way. If we try to block the love energy from flowing through us it often turns into unhealthy behavior that can affect our physical, mental and emotional health.  Embracing the unconditional aspect of love is the only way I have found to work through my pain.  The prism of unconditional love allows me to acknowledge and embrace my love without going negative.   I never have to apologize for loving someone.

This is likely the last post of this blog.  I don't believe the subject of love can ever be exhausted but my inspiration to keep writing in this space is not there.  This blog was started in heartache and while my heart still aches, I found the courage to allow the love energy to flow through me unconditionally.  I have learned to have no expectations from other people and I understand that there are no limits or conditions to my love.  I don't know how to be any other way.

Final disclaimer:  All of the thoughts captured here were inspired by my experience.  None of it is based on research of the experience of others.  

How do we become a Heart based society?

How do we can overcome the negativity, division and strife between us as individuals, neighbors and cultures?  The key is in our hearts.  After many hours of meditation and contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that our society must evolve into a heart based society. We must learn to live in our hearts and love each other.  And we must live that love through our actions. Everything must start with the individual. When we take personal responsibility for how we interact with the world, it changes us as well as those we interact with. 

A tool to help stay focused in your heart came to me in the form of a question:  Do you allow your mind tell your heart what to feel or do you let your heart tell your mind what to think?  

It is a pretty important question because it determines what kind of world we live in. Only you can answer that question for any given circumstance in your life.  It is a question we should be asking ourselves every day about all of our decisions, not just about relationships.  In our work and all our interactions with the world, 

Love is the most powerful force in all of existence.  The ability to love is the birthright of every human being.  Love starts wars and ends wars.  Love creates life and destroys life.  When humanity wakes up and begins to respect this awesome power that we have, the earth will be transformed into paradise.

Namaste,

Edward

Additional thoughts on Polyarmorous Love

A few weeks ago a friend invited me to dinner because he wanted to discuss the original post on Polyarmorous Love.   We never really talked much about Polyarmorous relationships but our time together did spark some additional thoughts that I wanted to share.

What comes to me is that we are all polyarmorous to a certain degree.  What the term means is many loves.  All of us have many loves in our life.  Not all of them become physical but there is a degree of intimacy in all relationships that are based on mutual love.  We human beings are very capable of loving multiple people.  Sex is a natural expression of love so it is easy to see why so many relationships include multiple sex partners.  The beauty of an open polyarmorous relationship is that there is no need for the deciet that often dooms relationships.

Unfortunately, many relationships that involve multiple sex partners involve cheating on the other partner because it is not an open relationship.  Even in open relationships, one partner can become jealous which creates tension and can threaten the relationship.  If you have a tendency to harbor jealousy, polyarmorous is probably not a good fit for you.  

The truth is, jealousy has no place in any relationship.  Jealousy is a cancer that will eat your insides out. Jealousy is a form of fear.  Fear is the absence of love.  Love is based on trust.  If you have no trust then you cannot love. 

Polyarmorous versus Monogamy

The only reason to choose a monogamous relationship is because you want to have that experience with your partner.  Not because of jealousy or because it is what your partner wants.  It has got to be an experience that you want.  There is no other viable reason.   If you want monogamy from your partner, he/she must also want it.  Not out of fear of losing you but out of desire to have that experience with you.  Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for potential problems down the road when the relationship becomes routine.

I do not judge poly relationships and would never rule out being in that type of relationship, however; for me personally, my preference is to be in a monogamous relationship.  I spent 28 years in a monogamous relationship and never gave it a second thought.  I believe it provides the greatest opportunity to me for personal growth.  I have a sense of what is possible in terms of exploration in relationship and I find that I can delve much deeper into myself by having a single mirror to reflect in as opposed to having many mirrors.  But I remain open to all possibilities.

This journey we call life is about understanding ourselves so each of us have to find the type of relationship that will help us grow into becoming the beautiful diverse beings that we are. 

Fear destroys relationships

Fear is the greatest destroyer of all relationships.   The most powerful fear we all face is the fear of not being loved.   I was nearly destroyed by this fear over the last year and my salvation has been in learning to love myself.   It was only when I started loving myself that I started seeing how much I am truly loved by the people in my life.  Having a partner to dive deeper into the abyss with is my greatest desire but it is not my salvation.   Loving myself is my salvation. 

Love is the antidote to fear.  Make sure all of the people that you love know that they are loved so they don't have to experience fear.  

Namaste,

Edward

Where do we find courage to love?

“Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love.”   ― Delmore Schwartz, Last and Lost Poems

In a previous post titled 'The Courage to Love", I said that you could contemplate this quote for a year and still not exhaust its endless supply of understanding.  I have another insight to this quote that I would like to share with you.

I recently made the following statement to someone that is dear to me in an email.

"It takes a lot of courage to love but you cannot have courage without love.  Sometimes your heart takes over and you are swept into a raging river that can be treacherous and deadly.  That is when you really need courage to survive.  Balance the boat with love and just go for the ride and see where it takes you.  That is how you survive."

I don't know why I made this particular statement at this specific time.  I even regretted sending the email after I sent it but that is another story.  After some contemplation, I began to gain an understanding of this.  The statement, which ties back into the Delmore Schwartz quote, is that in order to really love someone, it takes a lot of courage to allow yourself that freedom.  To really let go of the controls and give your heart free reign to enter the dangerous waters of love, it takes a lot of courage.

If you need love in order to have that courage, where does the love come from?  Once you are in the current rushing down the river, where do you find the love to balance your boat?  It must come from you.  You must learn to love yourself.

Acknowledge that you are worthy of being loved, regardless of another persons choices.  Once you recognize your own worthiness, you will soon realize that there are a lot of people out there that love you just for being you and no other reason.  Look for that love coming from your friends and associates because it is there.  If you can tap into that, you will soon find that your boat is stabilized and you can maneuver any rapids the river of life takes you into.

Learning to love yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  Go where the love is.  Go within.

Polyamourous - A beautiful love story to share with you.

Hello everyone.  It has been awhile since posting here.  During the summer I was absorbed in soaking up as much sun as possible and that moved right into my most busy work season.

A very wonderful friend recently shared with me her story of love with many different people at the same time.  I found it fascinating and asked if she would be willing to share with my readers.

Love really is a wonderful thing.  Enjoy.....

And, Not Or

I have a different lovestyle than most: I am polyamorous. This means that I love many: “poly“ coming from the Greek, meaning many, and ‘amorous’ coming from the Latin ‘amor’, meaning love. I know, Greek and Latin, right? But it actually makes sense to me: my poly mantra is “And, not or.” I can love this person AND that person; it doesn’t have to be this person OR that person. I don’t have to choose—provided that the people I love are open to being in a relationship with someone who loves more than one.

How did this begin? After my divorce some years ago, I found myself pondering relationships and their formations. I had nearly always dated monogamously (except for that one wonderful time where I realized I was in love with two men—which felt so natural and joyous—but then I felt internally pressured by society to choose one to “get serious” with). A few years later, I married someone, monogamously. After my marriage ended, I tried dating again. I grew dissatisfied with trying to find one person who had all the qualities I was looking for—I have so many different facets to me that it was really hard finding a single person to resonate with all or most of those facets.

Then I had a conversation with my sister about polyamory…about the possibility of having multiple, simultaneous romantic relationships. I had heard of it years ago—one of the LiveJournals (yes, LiveJournal!) I regularly read mentioned that the author had a husband and a boyfriend. But I thought that was just a fluke—I didn’t know of anyone else who had such a relationship, and I forgot about it. Until that conversation with my sister. People do this? This is a thing? Yes, Virginia, it IS a thing! It really appealed to me—being able to date this man, that man, and possibly that man, too! And hey, this woman (I’m also bisexual)! Not to just casually date them, but to potentially be in love with them, with all of them, too. I was regularly hanging out with a lot of jazz musicians in my 1920’s crowd, and I had crushes on a few of them. I imagined having relationships with them all at the same time, and everyone being cool with that. I’m not sure if I am wired this way or if I chose it because it feels right, but I was down with it, no matter how I came to it.

I never did date my jazz musicians, but I did reconnect with an old high school acquaintance via Facebook, at about the same time. He was 3000 miles away, and married. Not a snowball’s chance in hell of us being together. We began chatting, every day, and found companionship in each other. He said how he had always had feelings for others while he was married, though he had never cheated, but that it never changed his feelings for his wife. The emotions all existed simultaneously. I said to him, have you ever heard of polyamory? He hadn’t, so I told him about it. People do this? This is a thing? Yes, it’s a thing. About 6 months later, he was divorced from his wife. And he came to visit me, 3000 miles and 25 years later. And somewhere in hell, there is a snowball, because we did get together. I moved to the state he lived in (which was my home state), to live with him—we joke that doing this was my mid-life crisis, as I was 41 at the time. And we are still together, five years later. He has other partners (he also lives with one of them, as well as with me), and so do I—we both have online dating accounts. And I wouldn’t change this lovestyle for anything.

I love our life! I knew I would never marry again, or never be in a monogamous relationship again (you can be married and be polyamorous). Our life fits me perfectly, and fits him perfectly, too. My other partner is amazing, as well. We don’t live together, but we sometimes spend the night and we are in love. He is very different from my live-in partner, although there are similarities, too (both of them are nerds, both of them are very giving, sweet, highly intelligent, funny and generous). He has another partner as well, and we get along wonderfully, too. And someday, I’d love to be with a woman, as well. Another area where I don’t have to choose one or the other.

We have a small polycule (us, and our respective partners—all of our connections), We have all met, and while we don’t all communicate directly every day, we know about and care about each other. One of his partners (my metamours) I talk to every single day, who is like a dear sister to me. He brought her into my life, for which I am so grateful. Other metamours I talk to every so often, but there is still a sense of caring and camaraderie between us. I love having one big, happy family, so I love how we are warm with each other. We are a strange and wonderful little family. People have come and people have gone (relationships do break up, and other ones form), but we accept the changes as they happen (eventually). And we are there for one another—recently, my other sweetie had to go to the ER. I went with him, stayed with him for the five hours he was there. His other partner was in another state and she was glad I was there with him (he ended up being fine). At the same time, my live-in partner went to be emotional support for one of his other sweeties, who’d had a horrible fight with her husband. We were supposed to be together that night, but instead, we went and supported our other loves, unquestioningly, because they needed us. We also supported each other doing this, unquestioningly. And our metamours checked in to see how everyone was doing, as well. So much love!

We are a family of choice, a tribe of our own making. This is what love looks like, to me.  

Love is the key to understanding who we are.

I do not like to prescribed to the notion of beliefs because beliefs lock you into a pattern of dogma which is the foundation of our religions.  Dogma does not require you to understand through experience, it only requires you to follow the pattern of someone else's experience.  There is nothing that inhibits the evolution of our mind like beliefs.   What I prescribe to is understanding based on experience.   As my experience evolves, so does my understanding.

Meditation has been a useful tool for clarifying my understanding.   The greatest clarity comes when the mind is silenced.  Our wonderful logical tool (our brain) must be silenced or ignored in order for our true self to be recognized.   What I have experienced is that the seat of the soul is within the heart. The essence of who and what we are is pure love.  Conscious love.  There is nothing else.

Jesus taught that the kingdom of heaven is within.   It is not out there somewhere.  One of the great ironies of humanity is that we are the God that we so desperately seek.   Each of us have a spark of the divine consciousness within us and the only way to find it is to look within.

Love is the key to understanding who we are.  Once we understand who we are, why we are here begins to be revealed.

The courage to love

“Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love.”   ― Delmore Schwartz, Last and Lost Poems

This quote has many facets. You could contemplate this quote for a year and still not exhaust it's endless supply of understanding.

When you love someone, they become a mirror that allows you to see your reflection.  That is,  if you can allow your ego to step aside and take a clear look at what the other person is reflecting.  In the tranquil still waters of unconditional love, you can see clearly who you are.   Sometimes,  the reflection is not something you want to see but if you are seeking to truly understand yourself, you will see what you need to see. Allowing someone else reflect back to you something within yourself that does not resonate with, who you want to be, requires a lot of courage. The first inclination of your ego is to flare up and fight back or to feel hurt. But if you truly love yourself and want to become the best version of who you are, you will take control of the ego and look squarely into the mirror that is being held up for you. Having just had this experience, I can assure you that it requires a lot of courage. Loving yourself becomes the difficult and dangerous form of courage spoken by Delmore Schwartz.

Finding the courage to face yourself in the mirrors of life, requires a desperate and noble kind of love. There is no more desperate or noble kind of love than unconditional love. Desperation often drives people to escape being controlled by their own ego which is necessary if you want to embrace unconditional love. There is nothing more noble than to love unconditionally. You certainly cannot embrace unconditional love without courage.

Loving yourself will give you the courage to look into the mirror and courage will allow you to see the reflection of love.