Thursday, December 1, 2016

Additional thoughts on Polyarmorous Love

A few weeks ago a friend invited me to dinner because he wanted to discuss the original post on Polyarmorous Love.   We never really talked much about Polyarmorous relationships but our time together did spark some additional thoughts that I wanted to share.

What comes to me is that we are all polyarmorous to a certain degree.  What the term means is many loves.  All of us have many loves in our life.  Not all of them become physical but there is a degree of intimacy in all relationships that are based on mutual love.  We human beings are very capable of loving multiple people.  Sex is a natural expression of love so it is easy to see why so many relationships include multiple sex partners.  The beauty of an open polyarmorous relationship is that there is no need for the deciet that often dooms relationships.

Unfortunately, many relationships that involve multiple sex partners involve cheating on the other partner because it is not an open relationship.  Even in open relationships, one partner can become jealous which creates tension and can threaten the relationship.  If you have a tendency to harbor jealousy, polyarmorous is probably not a good fit for you.  

The truth is, jealousy has no place in any relationship.  Jealousy is a cancer that will eat your insides out. Jealousy is a form of fear.  Fear is the absence of love.  Love is based on trust.  If you have no trust then you cannot love. 

Polyarmorous versus Monogamy

The only reason to choose a monogamous relationship is because you want to have that experience with your partner.  Not because of jealousy or because it is what your partner wants.  It has got to be an experience that you want.  There is no other viable reason.   If you want monogamy from your partner, he/she must also want it.  Not out of fear of losing you but out of desire to have that experience with you.  Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for potential problems down the road when the relationship becomes routine.

I do not judge poly relationships and would never rule out being in that type of relationship, however; for me personally, my preference is to be in a monogamous relationship.  I spent 28 years in a monogamous relationship and never gave it a second thought.  I believe it provides the greatest opportunity to me for personal growth.  I have a sense of what is possible in terms of exploration in relationship and I find that I can delve much deeper into myself by having a single mirror to reflect in as opposed to having many mirrors.  But I remain open to all possibilities.

This journey we call life is about understanding ourselves so each of us have to find the type of relationship that will help us grow into becoming the beautiful diverse beings that we are. 

Fear destroys relationships

Fear is the greatest destroyer of all relationships.   The most powerful fear we all face is the fear of not being loved.   I was nearly destroyed by this fear over the last year and my salvation has been in learning to love myself.   It was only when I started loving myself that I started seeing how much I am truly loved by the people in my life.  Having a partner to dive deeper into the abyss with is my greatest desire but it is not my salvation.   Loving myself is my salvation. 

Love is the antidote to fear.  Make sure all of the people that you love know that they are loved so they don't have to experience fear.  




  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. May you and all of us recognize the love in our lives and success in finding lnew love.

  3. A couple of thoughts...

    Speaking as a person who does practice polyamory, jealousy (or often envy) does rear its ugly head, sometimes when you least expect it because you think you have a handle on things. Feelings can and do pop up, and that's okay. What's not okay is to enable jealousy or stay steeped in it. What's important is to dig deep and figure out what is bothering us about that particular situation, what is it that makes us feel insecure, and address that insecurity in ourselves. Figure out what's driving that and work on fixing that part of ourselves. Love ourselves and shore up what needs bolstering. If we do that, the jealousy fades away over time, because it is no longer necessary to protect ourselves from getting hurt--which is why it comes around in the first place.

    1. Thank you for your comment Gina. Human relationship is very complicated but fascinating. The last point I tried to make in this post is that fear is the greatest destroyer of all relationships. Jealousy is a form of fear and the worst kind of fear is the fear of not being loved. What is fear? Fear is the absence of love. The antidote to fear is love. No matter what form your relationship takes, you must feel secure within the love that binds it together into a relationship. Being secure within yourself will help you find that place where it is no longer necessary to protect ourselves from being hurt but it is our responsibility to make sure that everyone within the relationship feels secure in our love for them until they find that security within themselves. Binding ourselves together so tightly that fear cannot exist is what love is all about.

  4. Another thought that occurs to me is that love should NEVER EVER be used as a weapon within a relationship. Unconditional love is the love we must weave our relationships with in order to never allow fear in......hmm the seeds of a future blog post? Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it helps me clarify my own thoughts and feelings.

  5. Edward. Your view in all things above mirror mine. I chose and choose monogamy as well. To me, the intimacy involved jn making love is reserved for person. But I understand people who don't see the act as I do. I truly do. I often wish I could take temporary comfort with someone just for the physical intimacy. I envy them. It wouldn't have been 10 years so far since I've been with anyone. God I miss it.